June 12th came and went this year, and it wasn’t until a few days afterwards that I realized I hadn’t taken pause on the 2.5 year anniversary of my daughter’s death. And then I realized it has been almost two months since I visited her grave.
An enormous wave of guilt rushed over me, but then I realized I am doing exactly as I need to be doing right now. And I’m living the way we keep encouraging others to do.
I’m enjoying the three children that I have here and all of the gifts life has to offer. Of course, she is always there. She is always in my thoughts, in my heart, and of course, in the reflection of her identical twin. But I don’t mark every anniversary.
That’s not the way it always was for me. That first year and long into the second year were miserable. As I ticked off each event, milestone, date of importance, my heart continued to ache and grieve.
If you’re in your first year of loss, even in the second, all I can tell you is that as time moves along, the pain will ease up.
It does get better.
I want to share a post I wrote on my blog No Holding Back to show you that I didn’t always feel this way.
love and hugs.
The Dreaded Year of Firsts
We all have ways of measuring things, passing time, marking key events. When you go through something as horrific as TTTS and infant loss, or the loss of anyone you love, there are so many dates, events, memories. When it was diagnosed, when we had procedures, when the babies were born. When Kathryn died.
I dreaded the start of the markers. My year of firsts began on 6/22/12. That is one year from the day I found out I was pregnant with twins. On 8/8/12 I met the one year anniversary of the day we found out they were girls. As the time passes, the markers are beginning to get more significant, more painful, and are bringing us closer and closer to the anniversary of the babies birth, and of our loss.
9/28/11 we found out the babies had Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Sydrome (TTTS) and we were already Stage IV… hydrops was present in Twin A. Kathryn was already starting to die. The worst days are yet to come. 10/27 – another amnio reduction and reduction of ascites. 11/08 – Twin B develops Reverse End Diastolic Flow and we are admitted to the hospital. 12/9 – my 35th birthday. 12/10 – babies are born. 12/12 – Kathryn is baptized and later dies. 12/21 – Kathryn’s service.
Today is the 12th of September. It is not a significant date in my year of first anniversaries, but it is a monthly reminder of the fact that my daughter died on the 12th day… of December. And I find myself feeling very blue, overwhelmed, and sad in a way I haven’t been in awhile.I hate the fact that I will be reminded on the 12th every month, every year. I hate the year of firsts.