It’s been a few weeks since I posted. Sometimes, life gets too overwhelming. I’ve been trying to live more in the moment, and be more present with my children… less focused on death and sadness.
And I have found that sometimes, the best healing mechanism for me is to walk away for a little while.
I guess you could say it’s somewhat like pretending the sadness doesn’t exist.
Or maybe it’s just pulling myself away from all of the things that remind me and pull me back into the murky waters.
For the most part I am happy and I am fine. I am moving on, but never without the memory of my daughter. I focus on mothering her by doing good for others. I think she would like that.
I’m constantly amazed by how much my other children were also impacted by her short life and death. Just the other day, as we left a popular restaurant, my daughter asked for a balloon. As we got outside she said “Mommy, I’m sending this one to Kathryn.” It warmed my heart.
It also reminded me of a post I wrote on No Holding Back last year. “Balloons to Heaven.”
We love and miss you Kathryn. Always. Even when it looks like we’re not remembering at all.
Yesterday the family participated in a lovely walk of remembrance and ceremony for all babies gone too soon. I had been looking forward to this event for months. The children were excited about going to the park, and really got excited when they found out they were going to get to send some balloons to Kathryn in heaven!
It was a gorgeous day for a walk in the park, and the ceremony was so beautiful. Here is Jelly Bean waiting patiently for the walk to begin.
The event began with a prayer, a poem written by a mother who lost her son, and the “tree nurturing” during which everyone watered a special tree. And then we walked down by the river for the rest of the ceremony.
After some special music and a message from another mother, they read the name of each baby. As the name was read, you could release your balloons. Nayner Bug and Jelly Bean let go of their balloons as they heard Kathryn’s name called, and we watched, with sadness and happiness as our balloons floated off to heaven.
It was a touching moment, and I shed a few tears, but I felt close to my daughter. I felt happy thinking of her grabbing the balloons and playing, with all the other baby friends, smiling down at us. It doesn’t make the loss of our baby easier, but at least we had some dedicated time to remember her, with everyone else feeling the same grief.
And today, Jelly Bean is still talking about sending balloons to Kathryn in Heaven!